Living in Korea, you get used to a myriad of things. You get used to small people not looking where they are going and running into you on the subway and then promptly getting upset when you knock them over by simply standing there. You get used to the hilariously incorrect English on clothes & signs, the idea of a red traffic light being a suggestion not a rule, and even getting harassed by old men who are drunk off their ass at 9:00AM! However, the one thing that I haven’t gotten used to is the constant bombardment of QUALITY TV here in the ROK (Republic of Korea)…..and by QUALITY, I mean CRAP!
Now don’t get me wrong, I heart Korea!! There are way more good things than bad…Ok, well maybe not WAY more but a decent amount! Yet, I’m pretty sure that if you asked a Korean who are the Biggest Action Movie Stars in the World right now, they would unequivocally say…Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme! This has led me to what I am 100% certain is the most important question EVER to grace mankind!! JCVD or Steven Seagal??? Plus the sheer joy of this idea stops me from crying over the missing Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight (see what I’m reduced to when Sports fails me)!
Now, I don’t mean a fight between these two now because that fight would suck! If you want to see what a fight between them now would look like go down to your nearest Bingo Hall and tell the grandma in the moo-moo (there is sure to be one) the lady next to her just called her a cheat. Instant Blood Bath and soooo not pretty!
I’m talking about JCVD and Seagal in their primes when they were 2 of the baddest mofo’s on the planet (around the late 80’s and Early 90’s)! Imagine it for a sec… JCVD screaming, flexing his muscles and doing splits all while Seagal rubs his pony tell then saying something about how he’s one with the Universe and loves bunny rabbits! If you don’t have chills…then you have NO Soul…
Anyway, I won’t sully your thoughts on the subject with my opinion so check out the stats below and let me know who you’re backing! Because the winner has to face Dolph Lundgren in a battle for the fate of HUMANITY!! (or just the 1980’s!).
TALE OF THE TAPE
Jean-Claude Van Damme (Jean-Claude Camille Francois Van Vaerenbergh; actual girly real name)
Born: 18 October 1960
Height/Weight: 5ft 10in/185lbs.
Home Town: Brussels, Belgium
Martial Arts: Black Belt in Shotokan Karate, Muay Thai, Taekwondo (probably why he’s popular in ROK) and Kickboxing.
Professional Record: 18-2, lost to same guy twice but beat the dude in his final fight before going into movies. actually rumored to be fighting former boxing gold-medalist, Somluck Kamsing, in a K-1 bout in March 2010.
Top Ass Kicking Years: 1976 -1980 (Actual Karate Tournaments); 1988-1994 (hit movies, stopping promptly with the release of Street Figther)
Personal: Former Mr. Belgium Body Building Champion, Married 5x and to 4 different women, remarried 3rd and current wife! Clinically Crazy (diagnosed with bi-polar disorder)
Notable Movies: No Retreat, No Surrender (The Original “Ivan the Russian”); Bloodsport, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Hard Target, Street Fighter and Double Team (The Mark’s Fave Movie of all time!); Roughly 38 Movies Total
Hobbies: Doing Splits on Chairs and Ballet (studied for 5 yrs)
Famous Homies: Dennis Rodman and Dolph Lundgren
Steven F. Segal (the “F” stands for “will Fuck you up”!!)
Born: April 10, 1952
Height/Weight: 6ft 4in/185lbs (before becoming a human hot air balloon).
Home Town: East Lansing, Michigan
Martial Arts: 7th Degree Black Belt in Aikido
Professional Record: Never fought professionally. (pussy!!)
Top Ass Kicking Years: 1988-1995
Personal: A supposed, and only recognized by himself reincarnation of a Dalai Lama, The 1st foreigner to open an Aikido Dojo in Japan, Married 3x and apparently was in competition with Shawn Kemp to have the most kids (has 6) and guardian of the child of a Tibetan Holy Man the Panchen Lama (no seriously!!)
Notable Movies: Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Under Siege 1 & 2 and Exit Wounds (The Beardedman’s Fave); Roughly 40 Movies Total.
Hobbies: Saving whales, playing guitar, Policing (Louisiana Reserve Deputy Chief Officer), and making you drink his energy drink! Affecting the stock market with his weight gain.
Famous Homies: DMX, Ja Rule and the Dalai Lama
Not Mayweather and Pacquiao but still badass!
Reverse Oreo Sports 
