Jersey Shore – Guido 4 Life

Posted: January 13, 2010 by The Mark in Televison
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I hate reality TV as much as anyone but this is one of my favorite shows right now.  I know there are not many more episodes left and that makes me sad.  How can they top this season?  There is no way they can.  If they got a new cast I think it wouldn’t work because the new cast wouldn’t be genuine, they would be trying to be like the original cast.

This cast is real.  This is who they are.  They’re not on TV to be who you want them to be, they are themselves.  You can’t make this shit up.  Most of the time I’m just amazed that these people are able to function in everyday life.  Episode 6 showed me that Vinny, although the most normal, gets a lot of help from his mom.  For the guys, except Vinny, their daily life consist of GTL, gym, tanning and laundry.  For the girls, I’m not sure but I think eating, tanning, hair and more eating is what they’re into.  I like the fact that everyone is so tan but not one of them has probably ever spent much time out in any real sun, except Vinny. 

From watching this show I gather that spending time on the Jersey Shore is pretty much eating, creeping on girls/guys, going to clubs, having a dance-off to house music and getting into a late night fight with douche guys and very questionable women.  One thing I learned from this show is that if house music is playing, you can pretty much grind on anyone you want without fear of your significant other getting the wrong idea.  After all, “We were having a dance-off, it’s house music.”  Like you could be doing anything else while house music is playing other than having a dance-off.

The Cast:

Angelina – The worst of the group and, luckily, she left early.  A lazy-ass, cock blocker who was so annoying.  Good luck being married to the guy who’s getting a divorce and pumpin’ out kids like it was going out of style.

Jwoww – Probably some of the worst fake tits you’ll ever see but when she’s your friend, she’s your friend for life.  Didn’t think much of her but lately she’s been growing on me.  Probably the prettiest/sluttiest girl on the show but that’s not saying much.  I liked when she had to call her boyfriend because she thought she made a mistake at the club by grinding on Pauly D.  Just like everyone on the show, there’s no long-term thinking to anything she does.

Sammi – Probably would have been good as a regular cast member but annoying as someone’s girlfriend.  Her mood swings will give you whiplash.  She has Ronnie wrapped around her finger.  She can dish it out but she can’t take it.  Don’t talk about her big (Fred Flinstone) toe.

Snooki – Oh my.  She’s probably 4ft10 and somewhere north of 120 pounds.  No worries, that doesn’t stop her from trying to hit on every guy in the house and at the clubs.  Just like the others, she seems to have only one dance move.  She is or may have been a vet tech so she doesn’t eat lobsters.  Her skin looks like leather and she’s only 21.  I would like to see her when she’s 40.  I pretty sure she’ll still be hanging around the Jersey Shore then.

Vinny – My favorite cast member.  He wasn’t in the first three episodes much but has made quite a comeback.  He stole his boss’/landlord’s (ugly, older) girlfriend but was able to keep his place on the show.  He’s not into the gym or going tanning and doesn’t need to go to the laundry cause mom is taking care of that.  We learn in episode 6 that his mom is from Sicily.  When his mom brought all the food and his clothes, I thought I was Vinny.  His mom says she never runs out of food.  That’s the way it was in my (Sicilian) house.  The montage at the beginning when Vinny is having dinner with about twenty relatives, that’s my life.  There but for the grace of God go I.  Vinny was ready to jack somebody up for punching Snooki so I wonder, as does The Bearded One, if anything will come of that.

Ronnie – Probably bi-polar or suffering from roid rage or both.  Follows up his statement in episode 1, “Don’t fall in love on the Jersey Shore”, by promptly falling in love on the Jersey Shore.  Nice move.  He seems like a genuine nice guy if he’s your friend.  Brought a huge-ass tub of protein powder to the house but surely there had to be some roids in his suitcase somewhere.  Beats the shit out of some prick in episode 6.  The guy got what he deserved.  His relationship with Sammi is a mess.  He’s so pussy-whipped and has cried at least four times on the show.  Could be having a better time if not tied down to no fun Sammi.

Pauly D – The oldest, at 28, of the bunch.  He’s a DJ  and probably will be for life.  I don’t see him being any amount of credits short of getting his degree in something other than being a Guido.  He’s a huge fan of tats and has what looks to be a sweet Cadillac tattoo running down the right side of his body.  Nice guy and is not afraid to creep on anyone’s girl.  Even jumped on a grenade for The Situation, which he has since regretted.

Mike a.ka. The Situation – First of all, best nickname ever.  The Situation is having trouble finding a girl because I don’t think The Situation can love anyone as much as he loves The Situation.  Acts the coolest, talks the biggest but has very little game.  Girls seem almost repelled by him.  The Bearded One is right, everything he says comes back to bite him in the ass.  Makes a mean sausage and peppers but that seems to be about it.  He doesn’t realize that everyone in the house, and America, thinks he’s a douche.  Stood idly buy while Snooki got punched in the grill and then was creeping on a girl as the chaos was coming to an end. 

GUIDO 4 LIFE!!!

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